letting go of impostor syndrome

Impostor syndrome is hard to shake. Harder still when you don’t realize that’s the thing holding you back. Or maybe you knew it at one point, but eventually you bought into it.

I’ve been daydreaming about how I would run writing classes and workshops for decades, after constant disillusionment from always feeling like those I attended were either unhelpful or not meant for me. That’s probably why I always imagined teaching as part of my writing career. It’s certainly why, when a local summer arts festival puts out a call for teaching artists, I imagined the workshops I might teach.

I’ve had enough feedback from writing groups and working with my writer friends, as well as other informal teaching experiences, to know I’m good at it, but doubt and impostor syndrome insisted I needed success as a writer before I could do anything like that.

Except ‘success’ is a moving goalpost. Way back when, I believed that success meant being published. Then it meant getting paid. Then it meant reaching a wider audience…

Somewhere along the way, I knew things had gotten ridiculous but I still didn’t feel legit enough that anyone would want me as a writing teacher. So the new goal became “get an MFA.”

These were all pretty, reasonable excuses. Still, excuses are all they are. Fear likes to lie that way, and impostor syndrome simply boils down to fear.

Last year, I read Do It Scared by Ruth Soukup (affiliate link), and it helped me recognize my pattern of “get super excited about a thing then never follow through” is fear-based and has been with me since childhood. This is one of those things I’m trying to change now.

So shortly after, when the librarian in charge of youth programming asked if I’d be willing to run a writing workshop for kids, I said yes. (It was so much fun, and I’ve been asked back!) Then I had a chance to learn from an established writing mentor, so I said yes, and yes again to starting my own mentoring practice.

Each ‘yes’ broke down my impostor syndrome bit by bit. And in January, when the arts festival put out the call for teaching artists again, I actually sat down and submitted my workshop proposals. Whether they pick any of them or not, I’ve done what I can, and that’s a really, really good feeling.

Weirdly enough, only after the relief of having done it did I even recognize that it had, in fact, been impostor syndrome holding me back all this time. All the excuses not to in the past seemed legit enough that I didn’t see them for what they were.

I still want to pursue an MFA for the extra avenues it would open up, teaching-wise, but I’m not letting the lack of one hold me back. Impostor syndrome won’t hold me back, either.