Dear A$$hat: My Water Gets More Action Than You

Dear Asshat,

There are debatably few scenarios in which, “Suck my dick,” is an acceptable thing to say. None of those involve shouting out the window of a moving truck at a woman you don’t know.

Freedom of speech ensures that you can share your frustrations to the world, but I might recommend against broadcasting the fact that my water bottle gets more action than you. I have happily lived my life without knowing that. In such cases, ignorance is bliss.

But I couldn’t care less about your water bottle fetish jealousy.

You, sir, have pissed me off. I was really happy to have found a decent water bottle to replace the one broken one. Yet now I am self-conscious about DRINKING WATER. How ridiculous is that?

It pisses me off that I’m constantly wondering if I will have to deal with another immature asshat choosing to foist his insecurities off on me. It pisses me off that I have wasted this much time and thought on your harassment.

And it’s not smart to piss off a writer.